Living With Heroes

Greetings and salutations, I know I promised to explain some things from my last blog in this edition of wackiness but yall are going to have to be a little more patient because I'm still not quite sure I can explain some of those things just yet, but don't worry I promise to have some answers soon.

Anyways on to the point of my present blog. The guy in the photo is my step-dad, I couldn't have done much better as far as step-parents go and I could have done a lot worse. It wasn't until this last year that I realized how truly fortunate I am to have such an incredibly compassionate and understanding human being to have as a step-dad. Oh sure he's a little rough around the edges and lacks patience with my stubborness sometimes but I have learned a lot of valuable and intangible lessons from this fine man.

When I was growing up I didn't have a lot of strong, solid, trustworthy male figures to look up to and to learn from at a time in my life when all boys need such role-models, but my step-dad has tried to be that in the time that I have known him. Sure he's made his fair share of mistakes but he's done quite well for a man who has never had kids and before he married my mom hadn't spent a lot of time around kids. He has done the best that he can do to support and help my sister and I, and his best is pretty darn good.

Though my pride will never allow me to admit this to him, I thank God everyday that He put my step-dad in my familiy's life. I also pray that I might someday become half the husband, father, and grandfather I consider him to be. Because he has taught me how to be a devoted and loving husband, a patient and understanding father, and a compassionate and prayerful grandfather. Those are the things he has taught me and those are the things I will carry around with me long after he leaves this life. I hope he realizes how truly grateful I am for him. I guess it really is true what they say, "everyone can be a father, only a select few can be dads." This guy not only turned out to be a dad, he turned out to be a hero.

I hope that all of you may be so fortunate to find a hero like I did.

Until next time keep smiling and may God richly bless ya.

Tucker

Living with Heaven and Internet problems

OOOOO-AAAAH, sorry about the delay in my blogging, we've been having multiple problems with our wireless Internet server at the ranch, and I have been battling a horrible case of apathy in all things writing related as of late, but now I'm back on the horse and I hope you enjoy looking at the world through the eyes of yours truly. By the way thank-you to everyone who has deemed it necessary to post such appreciative and gracious comments. I am both humbled and honored that y'all guys take the time to read these ridiculous little things.
I've been thinking a lot about my legacy, what will I be remembered for here on earth when God sees fit to call me to my home in the "sky" ( I'll explain why I put sky in quotations in my next post, I would explain it now but I'm still trying to explain it to myself, so be patient) :-)
Anyway as I was saying, I've been thinking a lot about the legacy I will leave behind when I die. On the surface it's a rather morbid subject that most people tend to avoid, and while I think thinking about it too much can result in some very dangerous thought patterns I think it is worth delving into on occasion.
Oswald Chambers has a quote that I think sums up what I want to be remembered for and it goes like this: "Never run away with the idea that you can ever do a thing or have an attitude of mind before God which no one else need know about. A man is what he is in the dark. Remain loyal to God and to his saints in private and in public, and you will find that not only are you continually with God, but that God is counting on you."
WOW!!! What a statement, and what a goal. That's what I want my friends and family to be able to say about me when God calls me home, is that I stayed true to myself, and that staying true to myself, I stayed true to my God. Now don't get me wrong I fail constantly in this aspect of my relationship with God, and I will probably always fail in this simply because like the rest of the world I'm human, or at least I was last time I checked, but just because we can't do something doesn't mean we shouldn't try. Who knows, maybe the more I fail in my issues of character the better I will become in accomplishing this goal. Because as a very wise friend of mine was reminded me "Sometimes great failures are just great successes in disguise.
Anyways that's what's been bouncing around in this strange mind of mine for the last couple of days and it had to escape somewhere and this is where it chose to escape to. :-) As I said I'll explain the mysterious quotations in my next post which I promise won't be too long delayed.
Until next time, keep smilin' and may God richly bless ya.

Tucker

Living With My Story

Greetings and Salutations, sorry I haven't been very good about posting new blogs here of late, in fact some of you have even been calling me a "blog slacker." So to get those of you who have been bugging me to post more blogs off my back, here you go, I hope you're happy.
One thing I love about not having a lot of staff around the ranch this time of year is that you get to really spend some real quality time with God and the few staff that are around, I have had the opportunity to have some really fun and interesting conversations with some people I really haven't had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with up until now.
For example, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine a couple of days ago, and we were kind've sharing life experiences and he asked me this question, "Tuck, if you could be God for a day and you could go back in time and change anything in your life what would it be?"
I thought about it for a couple of minutes then told him that I wouldn't change anything. While not all of my life experiences have been pleasant, and some of the choices I've made have turned out to be painful ones, I honestly believe that even if I had the ability to change those things I wouldn't, because if I did then the Tucker that sits here today would not exist. All of my life experiences God has used to shape and form the person I am today. In fact I am grateful that God has put some of the challanges that I've faced in my life. It makes my story that more effective to some people, now I can minister to and touch people in ways that I wouldn't be able to if I hadn't faced those challanges.
Which leads me to another point, occasionally I get really frustrated because I want God to use me for something big and dramatic. I get jealous of the guys that are great preachers, or great writers, or great leaders, and I just want to be part of God's plan. I want to fit somewhere. And it took a great friend to help me realize that God is using me, I may never be a firery orator or a great writer, but God uses me in the small things that I sometimes take for granted.
Those who know me, know my struggles an yet they see me press on, they admire the fact that no matter what life throws at me that I have the faith that God is somehow going to pull me through, they respect me for fighting through things they know are hard for me. That is my ministry, SIMPLY LIVING, isn't that AWESOME!!! That God is so powerful that He can use a life as ridiculous as mine to prove His existance and to draw people to HIM!!! Of course that is how He has always worked, He has always used the seemingly small and insignificant things of this world to fulfill His purposes.
My constant and unceasing prayer for yall guys is that yall rejoice in being small and insignificant, because in your weakness our God is made powerful through us.
Until next time, keep smiling and may God richly bless ya.

Tucker

Living with the hard stuff

A very wise person I know has often told me, that everything we do in darkness will be brought into the light. I used to believe that this person told me this so that I wouldn't ever be tempted to keep secrets from them. But the older I get and closer I become in my relationship with Christ the more apparent it is to me that this indeed the case. So I took some time today talking to a good friend of mine about a rather difficult situation I have gotten myself into recently due to a series of very poor and selfish choices I've made over the last several months.
It wasn't an easy conversation but it was a necessary one I think. The reasons I felt I needed to make these selfish decisions run very deep and are much too complicated to unpack in this type of setting so I won't try. The excuses I could use to justify these decisions are as numerous as they are feeble. But as me and this friend discussed the attempt to hide these decisions can be just as costly if not more costly than the decisions themselves.
We think that if certain sins we try to keep hidden ever get uncovered that our ministry will be lessened or completely undone, sometimes that's when our real ministry actually begins. More often than not we judge ourselves based on our reputation so we start out building a good reputation for ourselves and protecting it at all cost. Which means that there are parts of our lives that we can't let anybody see, and there are some battles we have to fight alone.
Sometimes we fall into sins that we know are wrong and find gross and disgusting but yet somehow perversly fascinating, and they hook us deep, by the time we realize what is happening it is much too late and those sins are taking us places we never intended to go.
Then Saten has us doublely trapped, we have a sin we don't want anybody to know about but it is also a sin that is nearly impossible to fight on our own, so we give up and resign ourselves to the fact that we will always live in this sin and therefore be utterly useless to the message of Christ.
I hate the decisions I've made, they are by no means new decisions though, I can remember so many times screaming at God to take this sin away because I was tired and didn't want to do it anymore, knowing the grief and devestation I was causing yet not knowing how to quit. Yet God seems to remain silent. So often times I conclude that God either doesn't care or he doesn't exist. But intellectally and spiritually I KNOW that He does care and he indeed does exist.
I think we are all made for a specific and individual purpose for God but in our humaness we sometimes get in the way of that purpose and make a huge stinking mess out of our lives that only God can pull us out of.
Every time we commit a sin I think a little part of us dies, and it leaves us empty and hungry for something more, and yet I stubbornly keep committing the same sins over and over, and over again. Many times in my selfishness I forget the impact my decisions have on the people around me. Often times we think the choices we make or the sins we commit only affect us but in reality more often than not, the choices we make and the sins we commit have far reaching effects. Sometimes it takes the people you love slapping you in the face and saying "enough is enough, I love you, but I don't like you nor do I respect you right now" and that is what happened today. It's not always easy and never fun but sometimes it is what it takes for us to man-up and say I need more help than I can give myself. And you know the funny thing, is whn we admit that to ourselves and God, more often than not God is going to take that sin turn it upside down and use it for good. He's going to give you the power to conquer it then He's going to put someone in your life who is struggling with the same thing and then God is going to use you to change that person's life the same way He used somebody to change yours. So I guess my point in all this rambling is remember this, never be too ashamed of a sin to ask for help, because fortunately we serve a BIG God and nothing is to dirty or too sick for Him to use for good and worthy purposes.
Until next time, keep smilin' and may God richly bless ya.

Tucker

Living in Contentment

With 2009 rapidly approaching and with 2008 rapidly coming to a close I find myself in somewhat of a contemplative state.

I have spent the last few hours reliving events of the last year in a mental slide-show of pictures and emotions. Had someone told me twelve months ago that 2008 would prove to be one of the best years of my life thus far I would have probably laughed in their faces. But 2008 has indeed been one of the best years I've had in quite sometime, if not the best year ever. It hasn't been easy, I've still struggled with the problems and puzzle life has always thrown at me, I still struggle with the symptoms of my illness, I still wonder what God has in store for the rest of my life, I still doubt my skills and whether I am an asset to the people I work with or am I just another body taking up space. All of those things still eat at my sub-conscience, but at the same time I have grown in ways that I never thought possible this year.

For the first time in a long time I can truly see myself as God sees me, as one of His children created by Him and created for Him, not because of anything I can offer Him, but simply for His good pleasure!!! I have come to terms with the fact that there is a high probability that I will have to take medicine for the rest of my life, something I've never really admitted nor accepted before, but with the help of good friends and a wonderful doctor who actually listens to my questions and concerns I'm okay with taking medicine.

For the first time I enjoy building relationships with people, I have always been sort of a reclusive spirit and have avoided personal relationships whenever possible, and I'm still somewhat of an introvert to a large degree, but the fear and uncertainty I felt when meeting new people or going to new places no longer exist. I have developed more close personal relationships with more people this year than I have in the last five years combined.

But perhaps my biggest success of the year is that I have learned how to be comfortable and content in my own skin. I find myself looking in the mirror in the morning and actually appreciating what I see, instead of seeing the freak show I've always seen in the past. I see a guy who is no less weird than he's been prior to 2008 but a guy who now knows that despite the fact that people may find him odd and eccentric at times, they don't think he's unlovable in fact I have learned quite the opposite, most people find my oddness a eccentricities my most lovable attributes. I have found that people see the whole person that makes up the ridiculous person that sits at the keyboard today, and yet still find him worthy to be loved.

How truly fortunate and richly blessed I am. I can only hope and pray that 2009 continues to find me growing in love and knowledge. As for my prayer for y'all this coming year is that y'all are anxious about nothing and prayerful about everything.

Until next time, keep smiling and may God richly bless ya.

Tucker

Falling off the edge

Hi,

My name is Tucker, I'm a 26 year old male, (just in case that wasn't obvious to you,) I live and work on a Colorado guest ranch known as Lost Valley. Something else you should know about me is that like 14 million other Americans I suffer from a Bi-polar disorder. While I have fought a seeming less endless battle with this sometimes debilitating disease I refuse to let it define me. Something else you should probably know, I have spent most of my life living on the edge, flying by the seat of my pants, walking the tight rope between sanity and insanity and enjoying every minute of it. Occasionally I take a nose dive off of that precariously thin tightrope but fortunately for me I have an amazing support system of family, friends, and doctors who are always there to pick me up.

I have thought long and hard about what I wanted my blog to be about and what I wanted to represent in it and after a harrowing adventure last night I finally reached a decision. I want to share with you the reader, life as I see it. Life with all of its ups and downs, triumphs and defeats, heroics and cowardness, faith and doubt, big and small, and every thing in between. My love for life is only surpassed by my love for God and so with your premission and patience I will also occasionally discuss God as I see Him! I am not a preacher, so I promise I will never preach to you nor try to force you to see things as I see them, I will give you only my opinion on things and you can do with them what ever you choose. Life is fantastic even in the gloomiest of situations. I hope you enjoy reading this blog and my blogs to come.
Until next time, keep smiling and God bless.

Tucker