Monday, December 29, 2008

Living with the hard stuff

A very wise person I know has often told me, that everything we do in darkness will be brought into the light. I used to believe that this person told me this so that I wouldn't ever be tempted to keep secrets from them. But the older I get and closer I become in my relationship with Christ the more apparent it is to me that this indeed the case. So I took some time today talking to a good friend of mine about a rather difficult situation I have gotten myself into recently due to a series of very poor and selfish choices I've made over the last several months.
It wasn't an easy conversation but it was a necessary one I think. The reasons I felt I needed to make these selfish decisions run very deep and are much too complicated to unpack in this type of setting so I won't try. The excuses I could use to justify these decisions are as numerous as they are feeble. But as me and this friend discussed the attempt to hide these decisions can be just as costly if not more costly than the decisions themselves.
We think that if certain sins we try to keep hidden ever get uncovered that our ministry will be lessened or completely undone, sometimes that's when our real ministry actually begins. More often than not we judge ourselves based on our reputation so we start out building a good reputation for ourselves and protecting it at all cost. Which means that there are parts of our lives that we can't let anybody see, and there are some battles we have to fight alone.
Sometimes we fall into sins that we know are wrong and find gross and disgusting but yet somehow perversly fascinating, and they hook us deep, by the time we realize what is happening it is much too late and those sins are taking us places we never intended to go.
Then Saten has us doublely trapped, we have a sin we don't want anybody to know about but it is also a sin that is nearly impossible to fight on our own, so we give up and resign ourselves to the fact that we will always live in this sin and therefore be utterly useless to the message of Christ.
I hate the decisions I've made, they are by no means new decisions though, I can remember so many times screaming at God to take this sin away because I was tired and didn't want to do it anymore, knowing the grief and devestation I was causing yet not knowing how to quit. Yet God seems to remain silent. So often times I conclude that God either doesn't care or he doesn't exist. But intellectally and spiritually I KNOW that He does care and he indeed does exist.
I think we are all made for a specific and individual purpose for God but in our humaness we sometimes get in the way of that purpose and make a huge stinking mess out of our lives that only God can pull us out of.
Every time we commit a sin I think a little part of us dies, and it leaves us empty and hungry for something more, and yet I stubbornly keep committing the same sins over and over, and over again. Many times in my selfishness I forget the impact my decisions have on the people around me. Often times we think the choices we make or the sins we commit only affect us but in reality more often than not, the choices we make and the sins we commit have far reaching effects. Sometimes it takes the people you love slapping you in the face and saying "enough is enough, I love you, but I don't like you nor do I respect you right now" and that is what happened today. It's not always easy and never fun but sometimes it is what it takes for us to man-up and say I need more help than I can give myself. And you know the funny thing, is whn we admit that to ourselves and God, more often than not God is going to take that sin turn it upside down and use it for good. He's going to give you the power to conquer it then He's going to put someone in your life who is struggling with the same thing and then God is going to use you to change that person's life the same way He used somebody to change yours. So I guess my point in all this rambling is remember this, never be too ashamed of a sin to ask for help, because fortunately we serve a BIG God and nothing is to dirty or too sick for Him to use for good and worthy purposes.
Until next time, keep smilin' and may God richly bless ya.


Saturday, December 27, 2008

Living in Contentment

With 2009 rapidly approaching and with 2008 rapidly coming to a close I find myself in somewhat of a contemplative state.
I have spent the last few hours reliving events of the last year in a mental slide-show of pictures and emotions. Had someone told me twelve months ago that 2008 would prove to be one of the best years of my life thus far I would have probably laughed in their faces. But 2008 has indeed been one of the best years I've had in quite sometime, if not the best year ever. It hasn't been easy, I've still struggled with the problems and puzzle life has always thrown at me, I still struggle with the symptoms of my illness, I still wonder what God has in store for the rest of my life, I still doubt my skills and whether I am an asset to the people I work with or am I just another body taking up space. All of those things still eat at my sub-conscience, but at the same time I have grown in ways that I never thought possible this year.
For the first time in a long time I can truly see myself as God sees me, as one of His children created by Him and created for Him, not because of anything I can offer Him, but simply for His good pleasure!!! I have come to terms with the fact that there is a high probability that I will have to take medicine for the rest of my life, something I've never really admitted nor accepted before, but with the help of good friends and a wonderful doctor who actually listens to my questions and concerns I'm okay with taking medicine.
For the first time I enjoy building relationships with people, I have always been sort of a reclusive spirit and have avoided personal relationships whenever possible, and I'm still somewhat of an introvert to a large degree, but the fear and uncertainty I felt when meeting new people or going to new places no longer exist. I have developed more close personal relationships with more people this year than I have in the last five years combined.
But perhaps my biggest success of the year is that I have learned how to be comfortable and content in my own skin. I find myself looking in the mirror in the morning and actually appreciating what I see, instead of seeing the freak show I've always seen in the past. I see a guy who is no less weird than he's been prior to 2008 but a guy who now knows that despite the fact that people may find him odd and eccentric at times, they don't think he's unlovable in fact I have learned quite the opposite, most people find my oddness a eccentricities my most lovable attributes. I have found that people see the whole person that makes up the ridiculous person that sits at the keyboard today, and yet still find him worthy to be loved.
How truly fortunate and richly blessed I am. I can only hope and pray that 2009 continues to find me growing in love and knowledge. As for my prayer for y'all this coming year is that y'all are anxious about nothing and prayerful about everything.
Until next time, keep smiling and may God richly bless ya.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Falling off the edge


My name is Tucker, I'm a 26 year old male, (just in case that wasn't obvious to you,) I live and work on a Colorado guest ranch known as Lost Valley. Something else you should know about me is that like 14 million other Americans I suffer from a Bi-polar disorder. While I have fought a seeming less endless battle with this sometimes debilitating disease I refuse to let it define me. Something else you should probably know, I have spent most of my life living on the edge, flying by the seat of my pants, walking the tight rope between sanity and insanity and enjoying every minute of it. Occasionally I take a nose dive off of that precariously thin tightrope but fortunately for me I have an amazing support system of family, friends, and doctors who are always there to pick me up.

I have thought long and hard about what I wanted my blog to be about and what I wanted to represent in it and after a harrowing adventure last night I finally reached a decision. I want to share with you the reader, life as I see it. Life with all of its ups and downs, triumphs and defeats, heroics and cowardness, faith and doubt, big and small, and every thing in between. My love for life is only surpassed by my love for God and so with your premission and patience I will also occasionally discuss God as I see Him! I am not a preacher, so I promise I will never preach to you nor try to force you to see things as I see them, I will give you only my opinion on things and you can do with them what ever you choose. Life is fantastic even in the gloomiest of situations. I hope you enjoy reading this blog and my blogs to come.
Until next time, keep smiling and God bless.